The Third

I want to talk about what’s probably the most important idea I can offer. It’s something that’s critical to good therapy, and honestly, it’s critical to happy relationships and raising happy, healthy children. In many ways, this idea represents what separates humans from all other species. It’s how we moved from being somewhere in the bottom half of the food chain to shaping the planet.

I call it The Third.

The term ‘The Third’ originates from Jessica Benjamin’s work on intersubjectivity, and the ‘second-personal other’ comes from Michael Tomasello’s research on joint attention and shared intentionality.

In therapy, “The Third” refers to what’s known in anthropology and evolutionary psychology as the second-personal other. It’s the mechanism that allows us to share our inner worlds. It’s how we learn to be intersubjective. How to share our thoughts and feelings in a way that helps others feel safe to share theirs too.

The Third is the thing I can’t do by myself. I can only create it with another person who’s willing to participate in the process with me.

So let’s start there.

When I meet with someone, I put my attention on them. I’m not thinking about lunch or what I’ll do after work. My attention is on this person, on what they’re experiencing and where their mind is. They might be talking about a fight with a parent or feeling good about something at work. Whatever it is, I’m entering the stream of their consciousness. I’m intentionally joining the flow of their awareness.

That’s the first step.

The second step is letting them know that I’m attending to what they’re attending to. I don’t say it in those words, but I might say, “You seem really happy today,” or, “I can tell that story really matters to you.” In doing so, I’m signaling that I see them, that I’m with them.

Once that’s established, something opens up. They recognize that I recognize them. And then, ideally, they begin communicating not just at me, but with me. They begin trying to share their experience in a way that I can actually feel it.

If I’m listening with empathy, what they say starts to affect me. It brings images to mind. It stirs emotion. It touches something of my own lived experience. This is the next important step.

Now, I could keep those reactions private. I could stay a blank mirror. But that would prevent the creation of The Third. To build it, I have to take the small risk of sharing something from my inner world:

“When you said that, it reminded me of a moment I had with my own father.”

If I’ve been attuned enough, and if they feel understood, they’ll put their attention on what I’ve shared. They’ll recognize that I’m not just parroting back words. I’m feeling with them.

And if something in what I share rings true, if it coheres with their experience, they’ll feel that deep recognition that says, Yes, you get it.

That’s when The Third is born.

It’s not mine and it’s not theirs. It’s something that emerges between us, something new that neither of us could have created alone.

The Steps for Creating The Third

1. Place your attention on the other person and the focus of their mind.

2. Signal that you see what they’re attending to. This is known in therapy as "attuning".

3. Stay with them as they recognize your attention and communicate more openly.

4. Allow their experience to affect you emotionally, imaginatively, or in your guts.

5. Share your experience of their experience, gently and humbly.

6. Let them respond to your response, clarifying what fits and what doesn’t.

7. In that mutual recognition, The Third comes into being.

This process is at the core of good therapy. But it’s also at the heart of what it means to be human. What I've put above is also a simplified version of something profound. For a more detailed and nuanced expression of the idea I encourage you to read Benjamin's book "Beyond Doer and Done To."

Some therapists, often with good intentions, hold back from sharing anything of themselves. They stay as neutral mirrors, reflecting but never revealing. That approach has its place, but it misses something vital. Because The Third only comes alive when there’s a genuine exchange of inner experience.

On the other hand, there’s the danger of over-identifying, of validating or interpreting too quickly, steering the client’s experience rather than witnessing it. That can also distort The Third. The key is humility: allowing what we hear to touch us, and then expressing that honestly, without taking over the story.

This isn’t just a therapeutic skill. It’s the foundation of healthy human development. It’s how children learn that they have their own inner world, and that others do too.

When my daughter was young, we’d play with little figurines (dolls) and make up stories. At first, I let her direct everything. But as she got older, I began to add my own feelings into the play. If the dragon ate the horse, I’d say, “I think the dragon feels sad now.” Sometimes we’d disagree about how the story should go. And that was fine. Those small moments of disagreement taught her that other people have their own experiences, and that’s okay.

That’s how a child learns to share a world with others without collapsing into them or rejecting them.

And here’s the thing. This capacity doesn’t develop automatically. It’s learned through countless moments of attuned caregiving. If we don’t get enough of those experiences as children, we grow up disconnected from our own feelings and uncertain how to hold space for others who feel differently from us. That makes empathy, collaboration, and intimacy hard to sustain.

So The Third isn’t just a therapeutic concept. It’s a social necessity. It’s what allows two minds to think together, two hearts to feel together, and two imaginations to create something larger than either could alone.

That’s why I teach this to every young therapist I train. Because learning how to create The Third isn’t just about therapy, it’s about healing the human condition itself.

If you want to practice this in your daily life, start by simply putting your full attention on someone you care about. Let their experience move you, and share, just a little, how it does. That’s where The Third begins

If you are a client of mine I hope you are experiencing The Third 95% of the time we are in session. If you are not a client, but would like to experience The Third, then call me for a free consultation.