The Couples Venn

I want to tell you a story about healthy marriages, told through a Venn diagram.

Notice, this won't be a story about happy marriages. That's because sometimes we are going to be unhappy in our lives, and in our relationships, and the sooner we accept it, the healthier we will all be.

I'm not presenting the only formula for a healthy marriage or intimate relationship. It's a broad picture. Something to think about and maybe discuss with friends or your therapist.

Here's the picture:

Note: The circle O represents the field of commitments. The vertical line | represents individual “needs.” In this Venn each individual is aligned with their individual needs but in a shared balance of commitments with each other.

There's you (A), your partner (B), and the marriage (C).

In the healthy marriage picture you have your life. The roles you play and the commitments you make within those roles.

Sometimes our life is healthy and our experience is happy. Sometimes it's not, and when it’s not, we have a responsibility to ourselves and our commitments to address it. If we need our partners help, it’s our responsibility to ask for it.

Our partner has their own life and commitments. If they are unhappy in some domain of their life not directly related to us it's their responsibility to figure it out and to communicate how we might help.

The middle section, the intersection of our Venn, is the commitments we share. This is our “we.” The life we create together, and for which we are both responsible.

I'd like to make one clarification: this Venn diagram is a snapshot, not a destination. Relationships are not static objects. They are ongoing negotiations shaped by time, stress, opportunities, threats, and change. The circles move. Commitments are tested. Needs emerge and recede. What matters is not achieving a perfect arrangement, but staying attentive to the balance as life unfolds.

In Summary

CIRCLE A & B. What Is mine (and yours/the other person in the relationship)

• Our personality and inner life. This is a big tent that includes values, beliefs, emotions, personal history, and ways of feeling most connected with others.

• Our work. Not just what we do for pay, but our vocation and aspirations.

• Personal relationships. This list includes friends from casual acquaintances to more important connections. This also includes our social commitments.

• Health, body, and energy.

• Hobbies and other interests.

CIRCLE C. What is ours.

• Shared commitment to the relationship. Commitments are what we are loyal to such that we are willing to sacrifice time, energy, and individual comfort to nourish or protect. In this case the primary commitment is to the relationship.

• Daily life and shared responsibilities. Activities around shared domains such as the home, finances, parenting etc.

• Emotional climate. Every home has an emotional temperature and finding the right setting and taking care of it is as important, or more important, than getting agreement on the thermostat.

• Shared story. “How did we get here?” “Why are we here?” Knowing and telling your story together as a couple might be the most important and most overlooked responsibility in the construction of a healthy marriage.

• Shared play. Rituals of shared play are the real glue that holds any healthy community together. In a marriage it’s essential for long term health. Adults that have forgotten how to play with others are adults that are dangerously close to losing themselves.

• Sex and other physical needs for connection.

I hope this list has you thinking. Maybe it makes you want to argue with me. If it does, good. Not because I’m interested in upsetting anyone, but because something in you is stirred.

Some questions to help secure a healthy balance

Here are a few questions to contemplate on a long walk, or share with your partner for discussion.

What are you loyal to? And which of these loyalties is your partner in support of, and which might they push against?

What are your partners loyalties? Which are you supportive of, and which are difficult to get behind?

And finally, what are you loyal to as a couple?

These questions are at the heart of building towards a strong foundation.

If you feel a strong sense of agreement with what I’ve said, and you feel like you are doing pretty good then great. I hope this has been encouragement to help you keep the marriage strong.

Feel free to stop reading here. What follows might be troubling.

At the end of the article I will outline a few practical steps you can take this week to begin a course correction to restore balance.

The problem Venns — overlapping, unconnected, and imbalanced

Problem Venns — overlapping

Note: In this Venn each individual has detached slightly from their own needs and their commitments are almost completely enmeshed.

These couples share everything — interests, beliefs, and values. They make few commitments beyond each other. This might even be preferred and effective. Who wouldn't want to get all their needs met by a single person if you could? How much easier it would be to have all of your friends, lover, and business partners contained in one person.

Over time, this arrangement exposes the couple to breakdown. This is because life happens. The world changes and we change with it. It might be a natural accident, or the accidental meeting of an old flame. Whatever it is, keeping two people in perfect symmetry over the course of a lifetime is difficult and relationally fraught. Like investing your entire retirement savings in one company.

Problem Venns — unconnected

Note: In this Venn the individuals are aligned to their individual needs, but share few commitments.

Couples that choose to live very independent lives I think might have it easier if they can agree on a few key commitments — how to handle finances, kids, and household chores.

Most important, I think, are what I consider the ‘meta' commitments such as religious practice or morality. If they share the same ‘meta’ commitments, these will likely frame all of their other decisions and create a healthy level of coherence even without much shared time or energy.

The commitment to each other has to be ironclad if it’s going to last — otherwise it’s vulnerable.

The danger here as I see it in my work is when the primary commitment to the partnership itself isn’t properly tended to. When this happens threats from connections outside the marriage become more salient. As key emotional, sexual, or other relational needs are neglected by one or both of the partners, the partnership becomes vulnerable.

Problem Venn — imbalance

This is a picture of one partner fully committed to their own life, but sharing little of meaning with the other.

Note: In this Venn “A” has disconnected from their individual needs and located their commitments almost entirely within the field of “B.”

Meanwhile, the other partner has made the relationship the center for their meaning, creating an imbalance that hurts both people.

In this arrangement, extreme for illustrative purposes, there are no shared commitments. At least in the eyes of one of the partners. A’s field of commitments rests so fully on top of Bs that A becomes threatened with a loss of self.

What can be done?

If you recognize yourself in one of these patterns, here are a few steps to begin restoring balance.

Tell a shared story

The ability to tell your story, what is known as autobiographical memory, is a strong indicator of mental health into old age.

Taking time to remember the story of your marriage, both with your partner and alone, will help strengthen your bonds of commitment.

Create a ritual of shared time

It might be the coffee time you share every morning before work, or the glass of wine after work. It might not even be daily, but a long walk taken every weekend.

However you do it, make it a shared ritual. A ritual of time you will come to miss together if it's ever interrupted.

Invest in friends who value your marriage

Foster friendship with at least one person who cares about your marriage commitment almost as much as you do.

It's important that the relationship is one in which you can discuss your stresses both inside the marriage and out.

Learn how to have difficult conversations

This is hard for most of us because it means opening up the possibility of conflict.

The good news is, it's not that hard when you learn how. If you struggle I suggest you learn to use the Speaker-Listener Technique. It' the one I've used for almost 20 years.

Invest in your life away from your partner

What I mean is to actively cultivate interests, hobbies, and commitments outside of the marriage. Because, who wants to share a life with someone who doesn't really have their own life to share?

We work to create a full life outside of your marriage, so we have a full life to share in our marriage. And when I say “we” I mean anyone who has made a commitment to creating a healthy, sustaining relationship.

In closing

A healthy marriage is an increasingly rare and precious thing in our world, and can only be created with intention and support.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling in their relationship I hope you will give me a call.