Finding the Right Therapist

A good therapist is capable of helping you in ways that are hard to find anywhere else. Where else are you able to enter a room with an educated and experienced professional whose sole purpose is to focus their heart and mind on you? Your priest, maybe, and that’s about it. It’s a very special relationship, and one that can change your life for the better.

It should also be said that choosing the wrong therapist can be life-changing as well, for the worse. More on that below, with a side of controversy.

Therapy is a significant investment of time and money, and we don’t really want to waste either.

Beginning therapy can also feel intimidating. Even people who have been before often feel a touch of anxiety. What will we do? What will they ask? Will this help?

Research suggests that three things make the biggest difference. These are your ability to reflect, your willingness to do the work, and your trust in the therapist and the process itself.

Let’s begin with your ability to reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and to actually feel those feelings. This is hard for almost everyone. The good news is that it’s something you’ll get better at in therapy.

The second is your willingness to do the work. This means exploring your life with honesty and curiosity, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Finally, and most importantly, is your trust in the therapist and the process itself. This is often referred to as the therapeutic alliance.

But why should you trust any therapist? Why trust us?

That’s a good question, and it’s why we think the phone consultation is so important.

Honestly, the best way to find a therapist is often to ask your friends if they can recommend someone. If they’ve had a good experience, that’s usually a good place to start.

If that’s not an option, there’s really no substitute for consulting with several therapists and going with the one who feels like the best fit.

There are other forces at play, like social support, but these three factors carry most of the weight.

Questions to Ask During a Consultation

If you need to find a therapist on your own, here are some questions you can ask to help determine whether it’s the right fit to begin with. Ask as many or as few as feel comfortable. It’s up to you.

If this feels strange, like interviewing your future therapist as if you’re hiring an employee, that’s because you are. The reality is that we work for you. Any therapist who balks at answering these kinds of questions is probably not someone you want to trust with this type of relationship.

I’ll also offer some guidance on what to listen for in the answers.

The Questions

How do you usually help someone with the problem I’m dealing with?

This will give you a general sense of how they work.

What does a typical meeting with you feel like?

Are they highly structured or more conversational? Will they disclose anything about themselves, or not? Are they more of a mirror, a cheerleader, or a guide?

What kinds of clients do you work best with?

There are clients we’re best equipped to help, and others we may want to help more than we realistically can.

What kinds of clients are difficult for you?

This is the job-interview equivalent of “What’s your biggest weakness?” “Difficult” can mean personally difficult or therapeutically difficult.

How do you deal with problems in the therapy itself?

Any therapist who isn’t aware of their own mistakes or struggles in the process is not someone you want to work with.

What do you expect from your clients? What do you need from them for the therapy to go well?

What is something you believe that most other therapists probably don’t?

This is an especially useful question. It invites the therapist to share something a little dangerous, something about how they see the world that might risk rejection from their professional community.

There are many other questions you could ask, but I hope these give you something to think about. Maybe they’ll inspire you to come up with others.

The goal is to get a sense of who the person is as a psychotherapist. We can never fully separate our personalities from our therapy, no matter how hard any of us try.

Things to Watch Out For

Any therapist who claims to be an expert in your problem

Most trained therapists know more about a problem than most clients. In that sense, they have expertise the client doesn’t. But that’s different from being an expert. If they’ve written a book or published in a peer-reviewed journal, they may well be in expert territory. Otherwise, they are experienced, which is something you should ask about. You don’t need an expert as your therapist, and you should be wary of anyone who claims to be one when they aren’t.

Be cautious with any therapist who seems cynical about relationships

This is a controversial statement, I know. In my experience, therapists who have become cynical in their own relationships are more likely to create problems for others.

I’m simply encouraging you to be careful.

Be wary of anyone who will tell you how to live, or who won’t challenge you at all

Once, while interviewing candidates for a therapy position at a hospital where I worked, I met a therapist I’ll never forget.

I asked, “What kind of therapy do you practice?”

They replied, “Reality Therapy.”

Suspicious, I asked, “What do you mean by that?”

Earnestly, they replied, “My clients don’t see reality. I help them see reality.”

I did not hire that therapist, and neither should you. That's because no one has a monopoly on "reality." Especially a reality that belongs to someone else.

So Start Asking Questions

A good therapist can improve nearly every facet of your life. That’s because your thoughts and feelings about the world, and how you attend to the world around you, shape your experience of life.

Trusting the therapist and their process is also the single biggest factor in whether your time and money will be well spent. But how can you trust someone you’ve never met?

The answer is to use the free consultation to get to know the person on the other end. Ask good questions. Notice whether their responses create feelings of trust or concern.

Of course, I’m going to encourage you to start with me. Make me your first test case. But I don’t want you to stop there. Seriously. I want you to find the right therapist, most of all.

If you don’t, you may end up spending significant time and money telling your life story to someone you eventually realize isn’t the right fit.

That would be terrible, wouldn’t it?

If you live in the Houston area, and you're struggling emotionally, or there are problem patterns that need to change, I invite you to contact me. I might be able to help.